OLD MAN STRONG

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal, some being pussies and some being old man strong, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, such as we have left, Viagra, thanks to Medicare, and the pursuit of Happiness, thanks to Viagra. Be it thus resolved by my oatmeal-eatin’ colleagues and I, that the following Articles do constitute what makes an Old Man Strong.

Article I

You gotta be 40 or older to be Old Man Strong.

Anything under the age of 40 ain’t old man strength, it’s just plain strong. Now a man might feel it at 50, 60 or later, because there is no time limit on old man strength. But anything before 40, and it’s not old man strength. I heard some young pups sayin a fella beat them down because he was using old man strength – this fella was 25 years old! Bullshit is that old man strength. Don’t be crying to me about feeling old at 25.

Article II

Old man strength aint about muscles.

Sometimes you can see old man strength at work when a man of many years starts throwing bags of sand on his truck as if he was flicking the ash from his cigarette. But sometimes its got nothin’ to do with muscles. You can see it in the ol’ boy who just won’t back down, or who refuses to give up. It’s a stubbornness of spirit, a gnarliness of soul. Maybe it comes from the bones, or the heart, or the guts or the balls. No one knows for sure.

Article III

Being old and strong don’t necessarily make you Old Man Strong.

Old man strength is a strength that only comes upon you in later years. It’s a new thing, not the waning leftover strength of younger days. If once you could bench 300 pounds and now you can still bench 250, well congratulations meathead, but that’s the decaying strength of youth. Old man strength comes anew and has nothin’ to do with all the time you spent looking at yourself in the mirror in your younger days. I’ve seen the most wretched pansy-ass a-cappella singing pussies suddenly develop strength they’ve never know before – that’s old man strength.

Article IV

Aint no maximum age for old man strength.

Yes, old man strength can fade away. Unless you have the good fortune to die in a viagra-fuelled sex marathon in the rest home, you’ll probably get old, get weak, and die. It’s the way of the world. But that doesn’t mean there can be no old man strength over a certain age. It’s just that as you get older, what counts as a feat of strength changes. At 60, filling a truck with concrete blocks is gonna require a whole shitload of old man strength. At 80, just gettin’ out of bed deserves praise as a feat of strength.

So be it.